we were not just lovers, but we were best friends. (the x-files)

ex-lovers

Probably this is going to be one of the most controversial post ever. After a full week of reading my law books and cases, I got tired and decided to open my laptop, looked at my external hard drive and saw random photos of the past. Funny how my external hard drive kept a folder worth 8,000 photos of the past. I thought it is going to be an emotional suicide when I start opening the folder, but then after clicking from one picture to another, good memories came back. The memory of friendship, the happy times. A friend of mine asked? Did I ever regret letting go of the longest relationship that I had? My answer is a big smile with a convincing NO, did I just mentioned convincing???

That does not mean that I am just convincing myself of the fact that I am not regretting it but honestly, I have already convinced myself not to dwell on the heartaches and linger on the memories. I have taught myself to look passed the beautiful moments as a beautiful memory of someone who made me who I am today.

What if I will bump into my previous love? What will I do? Actually I already did, it was weird, it was crazy but there is one thing I am happy to say, we are okay. The love is no longer there but the friendship remained. I am happy that me and my previous love remained as friends. Some would say that if two past lovers will remain friends after breaking up, it is either they are still in love or they never were in the first place. My choice would be, none of the above because our love was great and strong through those wonderful years but what we had was our building blocks of friendship, we still love each other but not the same as before. We still care for one another but not as the same as before. There is no more spark or flame that we will flicker in the end, all that is left is pure respect for our past, for all the things that we have shared.

That’s what makes this old love special, we remained as friends with no inhibitions and strings attached. It is still a beautiful thought to be sharing what goes through your day to your friend.

Yes, I did cry last January because of him, not because I still have feelings for him, but because I thought I had lost my best friend but after all this time, I am glad that I still have one and he will always be a big part of me. It is amazing to know that someway, somehow he will always be a phone call away when I needed him. That amidst all those long years together we are still solid as friends.  Thank you for being part of my life and thank you for staying.

 

breaking FREE

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Three years ago, I had my first tattoo, I never thought that I can survive the pain of the needle itching through my skin.  Layer after layer I am proud to wear my “Life is Sweet” ink on my left wrist.  A year after, I got a charmed bracelet which represents all the things I love, every time I look at it, I get reminded of my aspirations and dreams. And after holding back last year to get my third one, I finally caved in to the thought of getting a bigger one, something that will celebrate my self.  I’ve always wanted to get inked with the word FREE which represents my free soul, sometimes my friends would joke around and tease me, about the real reason why I’ve always wanted the word FREE.  They said that I am now free from all the heartaches, free from love, free from the long term relationship I had.  Probably they are right, but the reason is much deeper.
I am happy that I am FREE from being in a wrong relationship per say, but I am more than happy that finally in my life, I have freed myself from all the heartaches, the pain, the grudges and hatred.  That I was able to forgive all the people who have hurt me, that I have also forgiven myself for all the mistakes I have done in the past.  FREEDOM means more than being single, it is knowing your worth and making sure you don’t get tied back to the mistakes you had in the past.
I’ve always believed that being FREE is living your life without fear, nothing to hold you back, no restrictions.  I’ve always told myself, the next time I will get into a relationship, I shall lay down all my cards and tell the person I am going to be with, not to restrict me from all the things that I love.  I may party, drink, go out with guys but I know my limits, I am responsible enough to know when to stop.  I want the freedom to do everything that I want because at the end of the day, even if I get to go around and explore the world, if I get attached into a relationship, I always find my way back to that person.  Freedom does not only mean being able to do what I want, but being free from all the grudges that piled within the years.  I had a lot of excess emotional baggage left in my heart for the past 28 years and finally I was able to let go of all those grudges and freed myself from having a heavy heart.  I guess being FREE is able to let go of everything.  Now I can finally say that my scars and wounds are fully healed.  Now I am ready to battle another chapter of my life.  And probably another story of my next ink would suffice.
Enjoy the photos.  Visit the instagram page of my tattoo artist/friend to see his works.
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You gave me the rush but took it along with you…

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Cold blooded soul, I am exhausted, my heart is starting to question everything.  You left me hanging without any single explanation.  
 
I always tell myself no, it is not a big deal.  If only my brain will listen to me, and my heart will shift its feelings to hold back that itching thought of loving you.  I’ve cried my hearts out and I’m tired of doing that again.  Please let me know if this is real and answer all my plea.  I think you have mastered the art of breaking hearts and aced suppressing your feelings, but please don’t play with my heart because no matter how intense my feelings for you, I can always be indifferent and toll with your emotions too, I’ve figured out that this isn’t easy, this may be true, this may be another addiction but I will withhold all these blissful feelings for now.  
Oh, How can I start trusting you?
Tell me, will I stop this insanity? Or are you willing to take the ride me?
Książka miłości

All over again…

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2014 NEW YEAR Photo.  This was the day, I told myself to open my heart again and promised myself that, this year I am going to explore and love again.

Sometimes FOREVER is the operative word when we are high in cloud nine.  We rationalise that this love is going to be our one great LOVE.  We then forget the things that made us sad with our previous love, because we are experiencing a new high.

Love really makes us do things, worst it makes us forget about ourself.  It’s been a long time since I have written something which involves the matters of the heart.  Probably it took me a year and couple of months to finally feel something.  I’ve been numb from all the heartaches but there is only one thing I am proud of, I began to appreciate my life and myself.  Sometimes when you go through that hurt and pain you just have to strip yourself from that love and be completely naked to face the world.  To be brave enough to see our flaws, our imperfections and all the crazy sh*ts we have done.

I am not proud of my mistakes, I have done a couple of bullsh*ts and crazy stuff.  I even think I have done worst, but these mistakes made me who I am now.  Some people are asking why am I this numb? this cold? this stoned? There is only one answer to that, I have loved someone so much that my heart died with it, that is why I am numb, I am cold and stoned.  But even if you’ve died a thousand times, there is always that one lingering hope that pumps blood back to your heart so that in the end, it will beat again. 

In the end, you will have a reason to fall in love again.  Never loose hope, never give up on love, never blame love.  For LOVE may be the reason why we are crying but its LOVE who will take us high above the clouds again.
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in LOVE we TRUST

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The song a thousand years is currently playing in the background, but my heart and mind is somewhere wandering in my distant past, thinking of what did I get myself in to?

I always remind myself of stop worrying, I am in my late 20’s, happy, independent, currently looking forward to fulfilling my long wanted dream and surrounded by amazing loved ones.  I know for sure that a lot of girls would kill to be in my shoes, but why do I feel so afraid? I keep worrying that maybe one day I might end up hurt again, worrying that one day, the person that I have given all my love and trust will fail me again.  (Again, the attack of my unending trust issues.)
What are the guarantees that I won’t be feeling these pain? The answer is none.  I have realised that I must live my life to the fullest, bear the pain, probably I might dodge a bullet in the future or get stabbed repeatedly.  Yet pain is an essential part of living, of loving.  Without pain you will never know how it was fulfilling to love someone with all your heart.
I need to stop worrying, I have to take a deep breath and let go of all the hesitations, worries, future heartaches and disappointments.  I have to stop hanging onto my past and comparing it with my present.  Thinking that the person I have now will do the same thing.  I have to start forgiving myself for all my past mistakes and give myself time to explore and trust again.
I have to stop worrying, everything is going to be all right.  This new person came into my life unexpectedly and I bet, there is a reason for that.  I have to stop thinking of what could possibly go wrong, instead I have to start living my present to make room for my future.  I should stop being too negative and letting wonderful moments pass me by, I got to live my life, and love the person I am with wholeheartedly.  No exceptions, no inhibitions, no conditions and hesitations.  Only my full LOVE and TRUST.  So stop worrying Sweet, everything is going to be okay.
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